This could prove to be beneficial.
“There are many problems with chairs.
The first problem is a problem with all things. That is the definition. What is the definition of a chair? A chair doesn’t need to have a definition. In a lot of ways, it simply is. We never ask the question “is that a chair or not?” There are chairs with four legs, three legs, no legs, chairs with arms, without arms, with various numbers of arms. Does a chair have to have a back? What should it be made out of? Does it have to be made of various fabrics or can it be made out of something else entirely? What about that solid wooden block. Is it a chair? And this is just the tangible definition. In a metaphorical sense, everything can be a chair. Love, hate, anger, existentialism, democracy, large, green, coquettish, jump, ponder, feminize, wildly, is, very, are all chairs.
The second problem is very similar to the first problem. Why do chairs exist? What reason does the chair have for being here? How and should they be used? There are chairs which you can sit on and chairs which you can’t sit on. chairs which you can stand on, squat on, jump on, do a handstand on, fuck on, shit on, write poetry on, listen to music on, play video games on. And for all of these, there exist chairs which do precisely the opposite. It seems as though chairs exist for no reason and every reason.
The third problem concerns the history of chairs. When exactly were chairs invented? Are chairs something that need to be engineered or can they occur naturally. Was the first chair a rock? And then there’s the problem of how chairs have evolved over time. Of course the majority of chairs we have today bear very little resemblance to the chairs of old. Are there books on how this evolution occurred? Who would possibly write or read these books? The answer to this question is key. When I was in third grade, I knew a kid who knew a lot about hornets. I asked him how he knew so much and he replied with ‘I just go to the library. They have books on everything there.’ The first thing I thought of after hearing that was, ‘Well, do they have books on chairs?’ And how do the trends of chairs work? Is there some body that decides which chairs are in and which are out?
All things considered, your statement is still meaningless. The fact that you are in what you call a bed has no relevance in this situation. I am calling it a chair and the statement is consistent with the information provided above.”
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”
“Chairs. Be careful here. It appears that there are several ways out of this.”
“What?”
“I must apologize. You are still overwhelmed and that is completely understandable. But you are a smart man and you have the reasoning skills to actually analyze this situation. So let’s just get rid of all this emotion clouding your judgment and let’s focus.
“…What are you?”
“You already have sufficient information about that. Come on. Think about it.”
“I…am trapped in this bed. You are keeping me here while my wife watches. But my wife is seeing something completely different from what I perceive is actually going on. But what I perceive is that you are some godlike being who is punishing us.”
“Precisely. Now where can you go from there?”
“You were set to kill me until I pointed out that what you were referring to as my favorite chair was actually a bed. Then you proceeded to try to justify your original statement by going on a long rant about chairs. And I’m still not sure what that exactly meant.”
“Go on.”
“…And…and I don’t know. Chairs? Something about chairs? I don’t understand. How is any of this related to chairs?”
“Chairs? No, you’ll have to do better than that. And you can.”
“This isn’t…about chairs? But, well, what the hell then! Wait a second. I get it! Chairs are irrelevant. You said it was my favorite chair. We can debate about the semantics of chair but you can’t change the fact that this is not my favorite bed or chair.”
“Well that’s a fairly clever solution to this little puzzle. But it has several problems. Favorite is an interesting term. It implies subjective thought but is that really the case? Are there not several factors that go into determining what your favorite anything is? That bed you’re in is making you feel more comfortable than you have ever felt. More comfortable than you ever thought possible. That is an undeniable fact.”
“Shut the fuck up. This is not my favorite goddamn chair. I’ve never even seen it before. I don’t give a fuck how comfortable it is if it means I’m stuck here forever talking to you.”
“This is not your favorite chair? Are you…sure?”
“Goddamnit what the fuck!”
“Come on, you had to know that was coming. You did such a good job of recapping the events, I thought for sure you would have figured it out. But I guess a lot of people have a tendency to underestimate me.”
“But…but…that still doesn’t make any sense. If you have all these powers, then why did you fuck up? You said I was going to die in 95 seconds. You even counted down. But I’m still here and I’m still talking to you.”
“I lied.”
“But….uhh……..hmm. There’s, uhh, still a problem with that right? I mean, why would you lie?”
“Now that is a truly interesting question. I lied about your demise and I’m still talking to you. Those are the facts.”
“Yes. I am still talking to you. And what we’re talking about is a way to get out of this. You gave me a chance to get out of this. You didn’t have to but you did. Just the fact that you gave me the chance means that I can get out of this. Otherwise this conversation is pointless. The answer to this puzzle is the puzzle itself. The puzzle wouldn’t exist if the solution would never be found. You knew this. This was all inevitable.”
“Hmm.”
“…”
“Precisely. Congratulations, you are free to go. Well, wait a second, there are of course some issues left.”
“What’s going to happen to my wife?”
“You don’t have a wife. The punishment was yours alone. But judging by your demeanor it seems you had pretty much figured that out. Any more questions?”
“Yeah, who the hell are you?”
“You already have suff-…I mean…I’m a pretty cool guy. Goodbye for now.”
“Wait, but, what am I supposed to do now?”
“I don’t really care.”
“Then what the hell was the point of all this? I still don’t understand anything…”
“Of course you don’t. That’s ok though. Just remember the pain.”
“..and who’s that behind you?”
“Who’s who?”
“Umm…that girl behind you who’s been there this whole time.”
“Oh, that’s Christina.”
“…Who’s that?”
“Who’s who?”
“Her…Christina…”
“Oh. Oh, she…she’s…my acquaintance. So, uhh, I think we’re done here. Ehh, looking back this whole thing was kind of cruel. I’m sorry. Just forget I did anything. And uhh, I think you’ll be fine, I think. So, uhh, goodbye I guess.”
“Wait, what?”
