You might want to read this bullshit.
“So you see Christina, a logical puzzle, involving the most illogical of circumstances, can still be solved.”
“Yeah, but the ending didn’t make any sense…neither did the beginning…or the middle! I mean, that guy, who I’m pretty sure didn’t do anything wrong, had to go through that ordeal for no reason. Like, you just picked him off the street cause he was wearing a suit and had a briefcase…I think. I mean, what exactly did he do wrong? That was never even explained. And then, you made him think he had a wife….but then at the end it seemed like he figured everything out, but then we just left him there. And you told him to forget everything? Did he actually forget, I mean, cause he looked like he did. He looked so confused at the end. Kind of like me. You said everything was going to be grounded in reality! That we were going to avoid all the crazy stuff. But the more we do the less I understand. Where is any of this going?”
“Well it looks like you’ve learned a lot. Don’t worry about all that though. This is supposed to be the funny part. Though I guess it’s pretty awesome too. We’ll get to all of that later. Probably.”
“….ARE YOU OMNIPOTENT OR NOT?”
“I am.”
“Well then what the fuck! How does any of this make any sense?”
“Shut up bitch. Let’s go for a walk. I mean, these mountains here are pretty sweet, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.”
“I kind of want to just like set up camp on one of these mountains and like I’d have a sniper rifle too. So then I could just snipe anyone that comes here, provided they’re some evil douchebag of course…”
“What…”
“…Well this is ironic.”
“What?”
“It seems as though I’ve lost omniscience. So…yeah.”
“What the hell does that mean”
“It can mean a few things. The first is that I don’t have a perfect understanding of the universe…in the sense that I don’t understand it all. Because I used to understand it perfectly. That could be cause I just lost omniscience though. Anyway, the second is that God or something is here and he’s fucking with me. Cause that can still happen you know, I think. I mean, both of those explanations are better than tachyons, right? No worries though, I still have the power to easily destroy the entire universe if I wanted to.”
“Great.”
“Hello.”
“Who…the hell are you?”
“I am the anti…you. I am the one that is blocking your omniscience, though the way I perceive it is that you’re blocking my…anti-omniscience. As you should know, everything in the universe has an antiparticle. I just happen to be yours. You should also know that when a particle collides with an anti-particle, they both annihilate each other in a process where a tremendous amount of energy is created and both particles disappear from the universe. So it would seem, then, that we are here to annihilate each other. Any other questions?”
“Yeah, uhh, why are you black?”
“I do not know.”
“Ok, well then, I guess I’m still confused. I mean you’re the anti-you, I mean, me, and you’re black, and you have anti-omniscience but I’m still not exactly sure what that is. Like how are you anti from me? I mean if I jump do you anti-jump? What exactly is that? I guess I would know if I had omniscience but I don’t so, I’m pretty confused right now. Aren’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes.”
“No, you see I was talking to her, so yeah, this is like really confusing.”
“I suppose. All you have to know is that you’re the embodiment of everything and I’m the embodiment of anti-everything.”
“But that doesn’t make sense cause I can control anti-matter too. I know because I’ve blown up tons of shit that way.”
“No, you misunderstand. Anti-matter is the anti-form of matter, but it’s still a thing, and hence part of everything. But the anti-everything is separate from all of that and even anti-matter has an anti-particle that I am under the full control of.”
“Well then my question has to be what the standard model of particle physics has to do with any of this metaphysical slash existential bullshit. Besides, wouldn’t the anti-everything just be the opposite of everything which is nothing? You are nothing.”
“Nice try, but only a Sith deals in absolutes.”
“What?”
“What”
“Like, everything and nothing are not absolutes.”
“Yes they are. That’s what absolute means.”
“Eh, not really. My word against yours so…can we just annihilate each other now?”
“Ok, but before we do that, where’s, umm, your anti…Christina? You know, cause if I get annihilated then she’s just gonna be left here standing and freeze to death. Cause I’m the one keeping her warm you know.”
“Hmm, who is Christina? Is she your superpartner?”
“Super partner? Hahahahaha. Hardly. She kind of sucks…at everything. Compared to me at least. If anything, I’m her super partner. Though I guess that would be the same the same thing wouldn’t it?”
“Uhh, yeah, yes it would. Anyway, she probably won’t freeze to death here. Our annihilation would produce a sufficient amount of energy to destroy most of the universe, so she would just be instantly incinerated or something.”
“Yeah, but still. Don’t you have anything that will annihilate her as well? If not, this whole process seems rather asymmetric.”
“Did you say, asymmetric?”
“Yeah, I did. Oh wait, oh shit. You did explicitly state that you were the anti particle in this situation, right?”
“Umm…”
“Yeah, you fucking did. Umm, let me figure this out. Hahahaha. Christina, you weak piece of shit, go punch him in the face.”
“Why?”
“It’s either that or freezing to death out here for you.”
“Ugh…fine.”
“Ahh, sweet omniscience. Christina, do you know what the highest point in New Jersey is?”
“No….what just happened?”
“High Point. I just wrecked that anti-dude’s ass. And without omniscience! I’m pretty awesome.”
“What, I don’t even…”
“Here you go.”
“Ohhhhh, umm, I’m pretty sure that’s not how that actually works though.”
“Nobody fuckin knows how it works. Except for me, cause I’m omniscient.”
“Well, does it work that way?”
“Maybe.”
“Argh…come on!”
“I told you we’ll have time for that later! Damn, there are a lot of definitions for absolute.”
“Ok, but it better be soon.”
“We’ll see. Can’t you appreciate what I just did there though? I mean, I didn’t have omniscience!”
“Yeah, ok. I mean, I don’t even understand how that’s possible. But, whatever you say. I guess”
“Very good. It was still better than tachyons though, right?”
